This month has been, without a doubt, the worst month of 2019. Up until September, I felt like I was flying through the sky in some sort of fairytale.
I completed a semester of college, lived abroad, made some pretty incredible desserts, and then, almost suddenly, everything came crashing down. I felt like I was walking through a storm without an umbrella.
The water hitting me like tiny stones. I was submerged in the storm — and couldn’t breathe at times.
I began my junior year of college, eager to start attending class. My favorite part about college is going to class (even the 8 a.m. ones 😉 ). I know, I know. What kind of human says that? I just love class. Every time I learn something new, my heart begins to light up; I feel this thrill.
This semester, however, is hard. On top of academic commitments, junior year is all about getting ready for the future. Getting ready to enter the adult world, which means figuring out what you want to do post-graduation. I have an idea of what I like, but there’s so much uncertainty — and applying to internships is such a draining process.
I could handle this though. School? Sure. Professional stuff? Of course. Other random things? Absolutely.
Then, suddenly, a wave came crashing down on me out of nowhere. The wave was so powerful that it knocked me out. I was fighting for air, and though, I survived, I hold scars.
During the first week of September, my community lost an incredible mentor and friend. This person has played a big role in my religious experiences in college. His passing hurt me because I didn’t expect it. I didn’t understand why or how something so tragic could happen.
As I tried to heal from that news, I felt that similar pain only two weeks later with the passing of a close family member. This person radiated love and compassion. He contributed to so many of my childhood experiences.
May Allah (swt) forgive their sins, grant them Jannah, and bring peace to their beautiful families. Ameen.
At this point, I felt like my life was falling apart. I remember walking to class and crying. Coming home and crying. Eating dinner and crying. I felt so broken.
I know we will all succumb to death, but that doesn’t make dealing with it any easier.
I have slowly started to rebuild myself. These experiences hurt me. I was drowning in the storm at one point — and I didn’t think I would make it up for air.
However, I did. I am so much stronger now. I wish this strength didn’t have to be gained through these tragic moments though.
I also noticed how even when your life appears like it’s breaking, the world doesn’t stop. Even though I felt broken beyond repair, I still had homework, interviews, and other responsibilities. My world was crashing, but the rest of the world was still moving. I had to continue to move.
Please remember that time is temporary. Life is fleeting. Tell your parents that you love them. Buy that random thing. Take that risk. Learn that new thing.
Life will end — and I hope you live it to the fullest.
Goodbye (almost), September.
October, I hope the only tears you give me come from uncontrollable laughter, insha’Allah.