Can we just talk about how it’s already May? I mean, wow. 2019 only has 7 more months. My life is moving incredibly fast. The semester is almost over. All that stands between me and “freedom” are four exams. Let me repeat. Four. Exams. Four exams all during the same week. Some during the same day only hours apart.
Ok, I’m a dramatic soul. I have studied. I have made notecards and quizlets, paper study guides and electronic study guides. I have sat in front of my bathroom mirror repeating significant information to my imaginary class. I talk about Chichen Itza, Tula, cloud computing, and Norway’s tourism economy. All of my courses are random, but I feel intellectually challenged and fulfilled.
For the first time in a long time, I love learning again. Last year, I was wrapped in this web of forceful studying. “I must study to do well” — without really loving the knowledge. Today, however, the content I am consuming thrills me in ways that I can’t describe. As I walk across campus anytime I see something that resembles the information in my textbook, I scream. The other day, I saw a tree branch out of its boundaries and I thought about the Axis Mundi, a hallmark of Mesoamerican art. I am such a nerd.
The end of my second-year of college is near, and I am moving towards a phase of introspection. I think about what I want for my future. How I can achieve my goals. The qualities I want to improve in myself. The people I want in my life. The recipes I want to make.
This month has truly been the hardest for me emotionally. I have felt some of my lowest lows. I have cried because I feel unworthy. I can’t explain that feeling, but there are just moments — unpredictable moments — when I can’t contain myself and the tears erupt. I cry in my room wondering why I am even crying. I have so many incredible things in my life Allhumdullilah, but sometimes a cathartic cry does everything; it makes me realize that I am too hard on myself. I am doing the best that I can.
May is going to be interesting. Ramadan is approaching, and I am so excited to enter a month full of reminders. Often times, the college life moves me away from what truly matters. I prioritize school above my spirituality. Extracurriculars above my internal peace. Ramadan is always a great gift because it pushes me back to the road that allows me to grow, to become a better daughter, sister, friend, and person.
April was challenging and good, Allhumdullilah. I baked cookies. I ate cookies. I smiled. I cried. I lived. I laughed. I grew.